Monday, June 08, 2009

Cat Straw™

So, why is it that cats can’t pour water down their throats?

Other than not possessing opposable thumbs and having access to small cups, surely if they just lowered their heads into a bowl of water far enough so their bottom jaw is fully immersed in the water, then all they’d then need to do is open their mouth and suck and they’d quench their thirst a lot quicker than THE HALF A FUCKING HOUR IT TAKES MY CAT AT SIX O’CLOCK EVERY MORNING TO NOISILY SLURP WHAT MUST AMOUNT TO NO MORE THAN A THIMBLE FULL.

I don’t see it being that intellectually challenging. It’s how my tortoise drinks, he doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, he just lowers his little head into the bird bath and sucks away, yet my tortoise can’t operate the cat flap or quietly open the bathroom door to unravel an entire toilet roll, or stealthily stalk squirrels through the branches of a tree, and he certainly doesn’t come bounding down the garden having recognized that I’ve just called out his name (not for want of trying on my part), so what is it that’s stopping my more-intelligent-than-a-tortoise cat from taking a few silent gulps of water in the morning just like my tortoise does?

Is it simply that cats don’t like getting their chins wet? I know most domestic cats generally don’t like getting wet, so maybe that’s it - they’d rather spend half an hour dipping their tongue in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out (see?) of a bowl of water than risk the horror of getting a damp chin. But I wonder. Can cats suck? Is it because cats can’t suck that they don’t suck, or is it because cats are so blissfully unaware that sucking even exists that they have no concept of the suck?

They don’t smoke. They don’t drink milkshakes. They’ve certainly never needed to siphon petrol or remove snake venom from a bite wound. So maybe it’s just down to the fact that because they’ve never had anything to suck, they've never had to evolve a sucking system (neither have tortoises, I hear you cry, but tortoises smoke. Constantly. Why do you think they’re so slow?) so it could be that sucking might be the answer to the cat drinking problem. I appreciate cats might not think they’ve got much of a problem with drinking, but, hey, our ancestors used to think drinking warm beer was normal. Helloooooooooo. Progress. Things change.

So, can cats suck if they're encouraged to do so? And if so, what about straws, can cats use straws? Has anyone even thought to ask them? The straw would certainly be the natural solution to any damp chin concerns, plus a lot of resources and money go into researching cat foods and if we establish cats can suck then there’s a whole other industry out there. Isotonic cat drinks for the active moggy. Diet drinks for the less active. It all comes down to the straw and whether cats can use them. Even rabbits can use straws and they’re hardly rocket scientists, they understand the principle behind the ‘suck a straw-sized tube and get a drink’ scenario - they suck on those upside down water bottles that look like small versions of cyclists’ water bottles, or even just small cyclists’ water bottles, and quench their thirst. My dear old rabbit, Miffy, would always have a glug on his water bottle to wash his fish and chips down. No problem for him, he understood the concept of suck. So why not my cat?

This could be the start of something big. Or at least something long, thin and straw-like.

The Cat Straw™. In shops now!

"When your cat wants more...

... use The Cat Straw™"


Lucy said...

You are effing nuts my friend. And why the frig haven't you answered my text, hmmmmmmm?

Jared said...

Apologies. I recently volleyed my phone into an imaginary goal [against a wall] and haven't mustered the enthusiasm to put it back together again.