Here’s how it works at the little café round the corner. I pop in and say, "Hi. Can I have a very strong cappuccino with not a lot of milk, please?" And that's exactly what I get. Not bad, eh? We have an understanding, the Ecuadorian and I. We connect. So what was so different about my sojourn to Starbucks?
ORWELL IN STARBUCKS (A Tragedy in one act)
FADE IN:
INT. STARBUCKS - DAY
A rather DASHING YOUNG MAN enters and joins the fast-moving queue. He doesn't have long to wait.
SPOTTY ROBOT
Can I help you, sir?
JARED
Hi. Can I have a very strong cappuccino with not a lot of milk, please?
The SPOTTY ROBOT gives off the impression of having just been whacked over the head with a very heavy object.
SPOTTY ROBOT
I'm sorry?
JARED
Can I have a very strong cappuccino with not a lot of milk, please?
SPOTTY ROBOT
You mean you want a double shot?
JARED
Sorry?
SPOTTY ROBOT
A double shot. We put a double shot in for customers who want it strong.
JARED
OK. I'll have one of those then.
SPOTTY ROBOT
And you want that dry, right?
JARED
Sorry?
SPOTTY ROBOT
You want a dry cappuccino?
JARED
I have no idea what you’re asking me.
SPOTTY ROBOT
Dry means not a lot of milk. Froth.
JARED
Oh right. Froth. Yes. In that case I want it dry. Thank you.
SPOTTY ROBOT
So that's one dry cappuccino double shot. What size do you want?
JARED
Just a small one, thanks.
SPOTTY ROBOT
A tall one.
JARED
No. Just a small one, thanks.
SPOTTY ROBOT
Yes. A tall one.
JARED
No. I don't want a tall one.
SPOTTY ROBOT
Well what size do you want?
Grumbled mutterings emit from the growing queue behind.
JARED
I just want a small coffee. A little one. Your smallest coffee. That's all.
SPOTTY ROBOT
(gesturing to the board behind him)
The sizes are up there for you to choose from.
Up on the board, three sizes are offered. They start with the smallest and cheapest. This is called a Tall.
JARED
I'll have a tall one.
SPOTTY ROBOT
Thank you.
Sigh of relief from the masses behind.
SPOTTY ROBOT
One tall dry cappuccino with a double shot. That's two pounds ninety-eight, please.
Jared gives off the impression of having just been whacked over the head with a very heavy object.
Jared hands the money over the counter.
The spotty robot hands Jared his TWO FUCKING PENCE! change along with a little booklet.
SPOTTY ROBOT
And here's a little instruction manual to help you next time you order from Starbucks.
JARED
Thank you.
EXT. STARBUCKS - DAY
Jared steps off the pavement and throws himself in front of a bus.
FADE OUT:
THE END
Sunday, June 08, 2008
The Language of Coffee
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Love this. Coffee is a religion here in Vancouver, with the churches of Starbucks and Tim Horton's...well, being nice to each other because this is, after all, Canada. The advantage of Tim's is that you can ask for a coffee, and they'll give you one, no interrogation or patronising talk. The disadvantage is that they employ the folks that don't make the grade at starbucks, so anything more complicated, like a chocolate chip cookie request, might result in a bluebeery muffin, a glazed doughnut or a glazed look of blank incomprehension/
I'm about to say something blasphemous... brace yourself. Love your Robot vs Jared play. HATE Starbucks. That's it. HATE IT. Way overrated as coffee goes IMHO. :)
This made me laugh and think of a blog post I've been meaning to write that is a variation on the theme. The coffee people need an attitude adjustment.
Post a Comment